Getting Into the Feels: Embracing vs. Numbing

You’ve made it to another blog post on emotions! Give yourself a woot-woot and a high five because diving into feelings is no easy task! This post will be exploring polar opposite approaches to emotions, and my hope is that by the end of the post, you will increase insight about your willingness to approach or avoid emotions. 

If you recall from the introduction, emotions are a universal human experience. We are all designed to have them, but life teaches us an important lesson on how we can have feelings. This lesson is whether or not we are safe to feel. 

Societal norms, upbringing, gender roles, cultural background, trauma experiences and others, give all of us cues to whether or not it is safe or permitted to have and express emotions. How many of you have heard or may even believe: boys shouldn’t cry, men are weak for showing feelings, women are too sensitive or dramatic, if you cry–I will give you something to cry about, stuff it down–no one wants to see that, suck it up buttercup, you have to be the strong one—don’t let them see how it gets to you…? If you have heard or even believed any of those statements or similar ones, then you are well aware of a present reality that for many–it is not safe to feel, certain people are not allowed to feel, and/or having feelings is unwanted or undesirable or even dangerous.

So where does that leave the person having the feels? Well, for some, it looks like burying emotions so deep that they are walking robots. For others, they bury emotions for a time, then when the smallest inconvenience happens, they explode, hurting others, property, and important matters without warning or cause. For people who have experienced significant traumatic events and abuse, they may operate in the world like a disconnected self, a shell or mask pretending to be normal when they actually are just a fraction of their whole self. These are just a few examples, but the common thread is that individuals who have hide, minimize, or bury feelings are trapped in a shame based, anxiety ridden, and restricted life.

I personally attest to every client I have ever served, that I am the therapist who hates feelings. I hated emotions growing up. Invalidation, minimization, and social experiences taught me my emotions were dangerous, unwanted, and I was better off by hiding/numbing them. If I showed how I really felt, I would receive unkindness from others so why bother feeling or sharing them. Unfortunately, the end result is being buried alive by shame, anxiety, and social isolation. I lived a very “do not be seen” life. No one knew the real me…I was a walking warm body who went through the motions of life. As I started my own healing journey from these incorrect messages, I have learned that hiding my full emotional self is hurting my ability to be the best therapist I could be. I do clients no favors by pretending that I am a stoic professional. I am a human with feelings just like them. 

Avoiding, hiding, burying, and numbing emotions works so well in the beginning. Well, if I don’t feel it–it all goes away! If I don’t feel it, I can focus on these other important matters or be perceived the way I want to be. If I keep emotions to myself, then others cannot use it against me or hurt me. Sounds great…in the beginning. But, I am sure most of you who have used numbing/hiding can attest to the long-term damage of using this skill over time. Detaching aspects of yourself away from others, isolation, walking on eggshells making sure you don’t share too much or you don’t upset anyone around you, exploding without reason at the slightest frustration or inconvenience, and/or a reduced ability to feel happy or joy are just a few examples you may relate to. As Brene Brown would say, “We cannot selectively numb emotions….” We cannot go through life just numbing the unwanted or uncomfortable emotions. Once you start numbing the bad, you inevitably numb out the joy and positive emotional experiences too.

The opposite of numbing is embracing. When we fully embrace our emotional selves, we permit ourselves to respect our sense of self to the fullest ability. We are human, we have emotions, thus I can feel what I need to without judgment and in safe spaces. I can work through these experiences with the skills that I have or learn strategies with the help of a professional. But similar to working through guilt and shame, establishing safety and cultivating a willingness to lean into emotional experiences is no easy feat. Some of us lack safe spaces and persons. Others have very important work or personal/family dynamics that we fear losing or uprooting once we add emotions to the picture. Many are actively in trauma situations, and to feel emotions results in more abuse/trauma to the individual or others (e.g., children/pets). Numbing is a survival instinct, and yes, at times, it might be necessary. My hope is that by acknowledging the numbing, even if it is necessary, we can open our eyes to the possible future of embracing emotions even if it seems down the road. 

I highly recommend the book, Permission to Feel, by Marc Brackett, PhD. In his book, he talks about what people need in order to establish safety with both the self and others to feel what is necessary. I love how he emphasizes that everyone needs an “Uncle Marvin” essentially a person you can be unrestricted with as it relates to emotions. I mentioned in previous posts, shame will die in safe places. If we can receive authentic and genuine emotional support and validation from another person, we keep shame at bay and live a fully embraced life. If you feel ready to lean into emotional vulnerability, I and the other therapists at True North are ready to be a safe space for you. 

*Reminder, while these posts are not designed to replace or serve as therapy, I do hope you find them educational and insightful. If at any point in reading these posts, if you start experiencing distress or the lightbulbs start turning on that what you’ve learned needs a further dive with a professional, the Therapists at True North Counseling & Development will be happy to help you with your needs. You can contact True North at 859-740-7374.