Getting into "The Feels": An Introduction
You may have just experienced a visceral reaction to the title of this blog post. Getting into the feels?! Oh I can feel it coming on now, that instant dread of “going there.” That is completely understandable and valid. Feelings for many of us are messy, annoying, and/or overwhelming. While for others, feelings are this confusing, abstract, foreign, and unknown concept because of our frequent efforts to suppress, numb, and avoid them. You may even be asking yourself, “What in the heck are feelings? I just know my body gets all worked up and I go off or I run away.”
Thankfully, if you are still reading this post, you’ve reached a point of curiosity about emotions and perhaps are eager to learn how to understand and work through them better than before. Throughout this blog series, I will be sharing my clinical perspective about why we have feelings/emotions, their purpose, and specific tools we can use to work through these experiences.
What are feelings anyway?
To keep it simple, feelings are our subjective, physiological, cognitive, and behavioral reactions to what is happening in our lives. Feelings are subjective because no two people will react to the same event in the same way. How you and I perceive and react to the University of Kentucky winning a basketball game will greatly differ depending on a variety of factors (e.g., allegiance to the school, interest in sports in general, preference for other sports teams etc…). But we all react nevertheless.
Feelings are also physiological and behavioral in nature. When you find yourself standing in front of the pantry for no reason, doom-scrolling online, pacing back and forth, or raising your voice with an angry intent, feelings charge our bodies and behaviors to respond to what is happening. We can feel that charge coming on by the heart flutters, the pit in the stomach, the twitching arms and legs, and/or the sensation of being hot or cold.
We can look at feelings through a cognitive lens–I simply mean how we think. As an event occurs, some of us are hardwired to navigate the 1000s of thoughts, concerns, worries, and logistical steps that help us weave through what happened.
What do I need to do?
I cannot believe that $&#*@% for doing that!
What does this mean?
Am I okay?
What about the bills?!”
Our brains like it easy…an event happens and we want answers. We want the next steps, we need closure so we can move on, and/or we need someone to pay for what they did. And yet, all too often, we are denied these endings to our seemingly endless chain of flooding thoughts and worries.
Why is it so important that I have feelings?
So what is the major point of going through all of these processes? Well, there are many. On an evolutionary level, we need emotions to survive. Our emotional reactions of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn help us to survive danger and difficult experiences. Additionally, our emotions help us build connections with others who may be useful in a time of need. We also need our emotions to motivate us to make changes or achieve a goal. As life occurs, we may need to make important decisions and many of us choose options that “feel good” to us.
Feelings also give a foundation for relationships. We as humans are hardwired for connection. Our emotions help us to connect and understand others in ways that go much deeper than completing a goal or task. It is our shared experiences that allow us to build community or a support network. We can all probably identify a time in our lives when we asked for help, had someone protect or defend us, or someone gave us a tool or item that was desperately needed. Without emotions, our connections and bonds to the people around us would not be as fulfilling because they will lack empathy, compassion, love, and passion.
On an individual level, we need feelings/emotions to serve as our catalyst for understanding and reacting to the events in our lives. When we lose someone we love, achieve a difficult task, serve as a caregiver to a loved one with terminal illness, or meet a life partner, our emotional reactions help us understand the events themselves, identify our personal values, navigate tough decisions to be made, and express how important someone or something is in our lives. If we don't have emotions, we completely lose ourselves and who we are. Our feelings are our own…they are valid…no one can feel what you/I feel…and no one can force you/me to feel a particular way. We feel what we feel because our life experiences, our perspectives, our values, our morals, and our uniqueness inform us about what we need to honor, respect, and move forward.
When we respect why we have emotions and how our emotional experiences are just as valid compared to others, it serves as a great foundation for healing. I have encountered numerous clients over the years who have invalidated their emotional experiences for a variety of reasons (e.g., societal messaging, conflicting life priorities etc…). But time and time again, these clients experience roadblocks in achieving their treatment goals. You cannot fix a broken leg with a bandaid, and you cannot fix a car engine with a turkey sandwich. Therefore, if I am feeling overwhelmed and furious about an event, then this event is a big deal…this reaction is valid and I need to treat it as such with the right tools or strategies. These reactions matter and are necessary, if I am to work through and get to the other side of this.
What should I do now?
Between now and the next blog post, I encourage you to reflect on how you experience emotions individually. What emotions do you allow yourself to feel? Where do you feel it in your body? As you experience it, what is your mind like? What changed?–you went from chill and collected to pacing and on edge. Developing curiosity is an excellent first start at working through feels. Lastly, I encourage you to develop emotional grace; after all, we are all emotional humans! You may find that reciting some of these affirmations will be helpful along the way:
Feelings are my own way of reacting to the world around me.
My feelings are my own…no one can tell me how or what to feel.
Feelings give me information about what is important to me.
I need feelings to survive and navigate hard things.
Feelings are hard but I can do hard things.
*Reminder: While these posts are not designed to replace or serve as therapy, I do hope you find them educational and insightful. If at any point in reading these posts, you start experiencing distress or the lightbulbs start turning on that what you’ve learned needs to be discussed with a professional, the therapists at True North Counseling & Development will be happy to help you figure out what you need. You can contact True North at 859-740-7374.