Grief and the Holidays
Holidays and other special days evoke memories, and memories for those who are grieving may bring pain. As we enter into this time of the year, with the friends and family gatherings that are so much a part of life, we at True North wanted to share some ideas about how to get through the rough times that may be ahead for you.
THERE ARE NO RULES TO GRIEF. EVERYONE GRIEVES THEIR OWN WAY.
HOWEVER---
Rule #1: Your grief is important.
Here are some principles about grief and how to use them to navigate the holidays.
Principle one:
Grief comes in waves. Just when you think you are getting “over it,” you get wiped out.
During the holidays, expect that your energy will fluctuate.
Your emotions may be closer to the surface this year.
You may not be your usual outgoing self; you may need more quiet time.
You may not be your usual reserved self; you may need people around more of the time.
If you are the one who organizes, cooks, decorates, you may not have the energy or the desire. You may want to “skip it” this year.
If you feel like doing things differently this year, you may meet resistance from friends and family members who want to keep things the same.
Rule #2: Everyone grieves their own way. Hopefully everyone is sensitive to this and accepts and respects one another.
Principle two:
Not everyone is able to accept and respect each other’s way of grieving.
So, there may be conflict.
Try to avoid it by accepting yourself and honoring your grief process.
If possible, identify someone who “gets you” and who can advocate for you. You really don’t have the energy, and even if you did, that is not a good way to spend it.
By the same token, give grace to those who are grieving in ways that you don’t understand.
Some people are “intuitive” grievers. They talk about the loved one, cry, reach out to others for support or to give support.
Other people are “instrumental” grievers. They make the funeral arrangements, build the coffin, create a memorial garden. They don’t cry or need the comfort or solace of others as much. This is not a “wrong” way, it is just different.
Most of us are a combination of the two ways with some of us heavier on one way or the other.
Rule #3: Everyone wants to honor the one you are grieving the loss of.
Principle three:
Not everyone has the same idea of how to do that.
Try to honor each other’s way.
This does not mean you have to give up your own way.
For example, some people may want an empty chair at the table to memorialize the loved one. At the same time, someone else may not be able to come to the table if the empty chair is there.
Try to remember and honor Rule #2: Not everyone grieves the same way.
Make as much space as possible for various ways to do things. You are all learning what works best for you.
Rule # 4: It is okay to “opt out” for now—or forever.
Principle four:
The sky won’t fall if you don’t go to grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. No, really, it won’t.
Family traditions are important, but so is family flexibility and creativity. Give your family space to imagine new ways to come together and love each other.
Maybe it is time to pass the baton to the younger generation; let them take more responsibility this year.
Maybe the family will just take a pause this year, let everyone breathe and get back to tradition next year.
A caution here: there is a difference between needing time alone, which can be rejuvenating, and isolating, which is cutting yourself off from others and is a bright red flag. If you are not sure which you are doing, talk it over with someone who can help you know.
Rule #5: Grief is not all about sadness.
Principle five:
You may feel joy when you remember your loved one.
You may feel happy to see family and friends.
You may laugh and smile when you remember old times.
You may have “complicated” feelings about the one who died and are not feeling the grief exclusively or all the time.
You may have meaningful connections with friends and family members in spite of your grief.
You may feel relieved, especially if there had been a long illness and you were a caregiver. It’s okay to let yourself feel that. Caregiving is harder than anyone can imagine until they do it themselves.
Rule # 6: Grief is not all about you.
Principle six:
It is important to take time for yourself and to honor your loss and grief and equally important to be sensitive to others who are grieving.
This does not mean you need to acquiesce to them or take care of them at your own expense.
Reaching out to others in our grief can be healing.
Reaching out to others can be an expression of connection for both parties.
It can be helpful for family members to grieve together rather than blocking their own pain to protect others. Families often do so much protecting of each other from emotions of grief that they miss a great opportunity to come together in a deep way.
--We send our condolences and comfort to you this holiday season and wish you the warmth of family and friends.
--If you want to know more about grief and the grief process, please see the other posts in this blog series:
How to Know if You Need Grief Counseling
--If you would like to schedule an appointment with one of our staff, please call True North Counseling and Development at 859-740-7374